pouët.net

Hi,

i just turned 43 today and there´s something i can´t let stand as is...i have to clean this up a bit! ;)

I am talking of me getting banned from Revision/Demoscene-Discord for "sexually harassing someone" of course here!

So, as the Topic implies here´s what happened from my side of happenings:

I´ve been a bit pissed about once again not having any release for Revision, after my prods did not work on Windows10 (as in compo-machine-specs) in 2020 already and this time i didn´t get any final music from my musicians, so i was empty-handed again, although i had used up many weeks of coding for both of these parties!

I haven´t had any alchohol for many months before Revision 2021, but, unluckily for me, an old long-not-seen-friend popped up just the day before Revision started and compelled me after like 2 hours of nagging to have a drink with him, "on the old times we had"! ;) So from there i went into my alcoholic behaviours pretty fast again of course, the alcoholic i am (even if i don´t drink, i still am!) ...he chose to leave me after we had two beers, but i had just started, damn me! ;)

I´ve been already pretty drunk when the party started and only drank on and on, as always when a demo-party happens (be it in real or just online!).
I slept away many times, only to wake up still drunk and continuing to drink on, as always!

At the point of the, let´s call it INCIDENT, happened, i´ve been pretty hammered, so i still do not know what exactly i wrote at that point of time, BUT i have a pretty good remembrance on how it went for me:
(I´d love to put an original chat-log here and just substitute the moment when i got banned with what i was typing at that point of time, but sadly, eventhough i asked for it many times, i never got any chat-log! :( )

I drunkenly once again realized that we (Beftex and me) share the same first-name, just hers has the "ie" at the end of course: *****, but both with the "ph".
So that´s why i started to think about a joke to make about that...

...and when i finally had sth i thought should be funny, i made the mistake of trying to prepare the joke...i should have had just written it out in one line and nothing would have happened i guess! (but who thinks he would get banned for making a JOKE anyway?)

My TRY at a joke went like this: (atleast in my remembrance...as said: i never saw any chat-log about this :( )

_Me: @Beftex: imma fuck you next real party!_
_Beftex: @hardy: nah! Stop!_

I, at that point of time, saw an opportunity for another dumb joke, so i went like:

_Me: @Beftex: ok then, but you miss out on the smallest dick ever! :P :D_

In hindsight this may have been the point where i should just have sticked to finishing my original joke (after i already drunkenly had decided not to make a one-sentence-joke, but to prepare it by sending several messages!)
But i still had my original-Joke to finish, so i went RE-Preparing after that:

_Beftex: @Hardy: Stop it already!_
_Me: @Beftex: But i am so going to fuck you at some point of time..._

And then i got banned...
...and after trying to find out what happened (there´s no ban-message or anything on Discord!), private-messaging some people, i got told i was banned because of harassing Beftex!

I went to sleep at that point of time...
...to me it was like from being high up on partying, joking around with friends, etc.
TO
...i must have done sth wrong...better rest and try to sort it when sober!

When i had recovered after many hours of sleep, but still being pretty drunk (not drinking for many months and then full load, not in training...) i tried to get back into the Demoscene-discord, but noone could help me...
...the biggest problem was: being banned from Demoscene-Discord also meant i could not private-message anyone from the Revision-Team, as i didn´t have anyone of them in my private-contact-list on Discord.
So i had to ask random people i HAD in my private-contacts-list...none of them being an Organizer or sth!

I knew at that point of time, that i had atleast to try to contact Beftex, to try to make clear i never intended to hurt her or sth, but HOW? I couldn´t private-message her on Discord either, she ain´t on my private-contact-list.
At some point someone asked me, if i got her on Facebook atleast...and i went like "Thanks! Of course, you are right!"...and immediately opened FB and messaged her an apology, describing the same thing i will describe here in a few sentences! I even went back trying to contact her lateron in time the same way...but i never got an answer on that!
I even had tried to apologize on Pouet before already, in the Revision-Thread, but that went unread (by everone) aswell!

So i had no chance to talk to her at all...got the advice to "let grass grow over it!" and so i did NOT, but thought: "The next real Demoparty i will be able to talk to her!"...but as we all know by now, the next real Demoparty won´t happen too soon, so i tried some pouet-oneliner-action a while ago...only to get really acid answers from everyone...i really hated reading all of that! ;)

You may have made it here, through all the wall of text, and still think: "yeah, what? You did wrong, so why do i have to go through all of this reading?"

Here´s why:

Instead of me getting banned...it could have gone different...if i would have had like 30 seconds more time to end the sentence i WAS JUST TYPING IN, when i was banned:
The sentence i was typing in was the end of the inital joke i had in mind:

_Me: @Beftex: and 9 months later we will have a Demoscene-Kid...and we will name it "*****-Hard! :D"

To me this is funny, because "Bernhard" is the Super-Nerd from Maniac-Mansion, a game only OLD nerds ever played...
...and "*****-Hardt" would be a mix of the surnames of the both "*****s" from the nerdish Demoscene! ;)

But instead of me being able to finish typing this sentence...i got banned and got called "LustMolch" (german word for "Sex-Maniac")...and lateron even got accused of sexual harassment (see pouet-oneliner) :(

To make it clear once again, eventho no1 seems to care about the truth all the time:

-I never had any intentions to sexually harass anyone!
-There is a coincidence of Beftex and Me sharing the same first name!
-I tried to make a joke based on this and the fact that our surnames make a Funny-Name aswell when mixed!


I am really sad about how this all went:

1) Beftex felt harassed, which i never intended to do! (should have made a oneliner, not trying to prepare that joke first...also wrong choice of words i guess! "Fuck" is a strong word, when read wrongly!)
2) The whole scene went to wrong conclusions
3) I am really asking myself, if my reality of the demoscene being my family still holds true! You all should know me better by now, after all those years...yes, i am a Boozehead, often misbehaving...but not in that kind of direction!

Now that i said 3)... there was sth before that happened and may have helped leading you all into the wrong direction of thinking:


Incident with Darya:

I couldn´t even remember this having happened, until Darya herself told me when i tried to greet her at UnderConstruction-Demoparty:
She said i hugged her, said sth like "Come on, Darya, you know you love me! Gimme a Kiss!" at Evoke Demoparty the same year, just a few months before!
I still don´t remember anything about this having happened at all. I know i have been super-drunk because after 3 years i had some Krawall-Brause again, tho.

Now here´s just my theory about why it could have happened:
I got told several times, on different Evoke-Parties (different years) before, by different people: "She´s looking at your Direction, when you don´t look at hers!"...
...so my only theory here is: I wanted to see if anything was behind that.
Could be different people had the same plan to trick me into just that, but i don´t think so...too not interconnected people said so at too not interconnected times! ;)


So i guess i did really wrong one time, hugging Darya and not letting her get away from me (as she told me!) with drunk breath, etc.
and so the conclusion of me being someone sexually harassing women wasn´t too far, when it "did happen again", which it did NOT, you all just jumped to conclusions....
...because chat doesn´t transport well! (I was partying hard here with a grin on my face, when i got banned...i had a joke about to "explode", awaiting everyone to laugh out in a burst! ...instead i got banned for unknown reasons to me...at that point of time!)


Just so you all get to know me a bit better, NOW that i know you all don´t seem to know me at all:

I had so many women, so much sex and even quite-long-lasting relationships, when i was in my teens/twens, that at some point i realized this ain´t for me anymore!
I stopped having relationships with women completely and consciously, at age of about 23 or 24, cant remember correctly, alcohol destroys brain-cells! ;) (ask anyone knowing me back then, women just loved me...) -> That´s 20 years of living without...do you really think i would miss sth by now?


And sorry to say so, but:
1) Beftex absolutely ain´t my type of woman at all (if i´d be still into them!) ...except i love her style...the punk i am...and the punk she looks! ;)
2) Darya absolutely ain´t my type of womat at all (if i´d be still into them!) ...except i love her style in her demos and her pictures she takes! ;)


All the wall of Texts again, just so maybe some of you try to think about this bullshit again...i say bullshit, because at a real party I COULD HAVE HAD ENDED MY JOKE before/while getting thrown out! (and removers realizing i was just trying to joke!)

And all what´s left is me still feeling guilty, although i´m NOT, and the demoscene maybe losing another good talent to its bullshit...which i so often stirred on myself! ;) (sorry Baudsurfer and BITS and and and...)


P.S.: Biggest Sorries to DocD who had to deliver the message to me, that i am a sexually-harassing-asshole-when-drunk! He even left our Group, eventhough it was his dream to be part of our Group once.... and he even was for more than a Decade!

P.S.2: Ofcourse the real BIGgest sorry goes to Darya for having had to try to escape my Hug-of-Truth and aswell to Beftex for going thru the Bullshit of Text-Jokes-that-weren´t-due-to-text-doesn´t-transport-jokes/sarcasm-when-not-being-enabled-to-written-to-an-end :(

P.S.3: When sober i don´t even think the inital-joke is funny at all...so we all went through all of that...just for me being drunk once again and thinking to be able to be funny...SORRY! :(

P.S.4: Now Shoot me someone, i am 43 and still feel guilty for no real reason except being me! The same me, you all know for so long! (some for more than 32 (2^5) years by now!) :(

You somehow took an already bad situation and somehow made it worse - I'm actually impressed (in all the wrong ways)

I knew you would make it look worse! ;)

Maybe it´s just me feeling guilty!

But i exactly knew YOU would be the first one to response and it would NOT be nice! :/

Thanx, my friend! :Ü

This is honesty the most disgusted I have ever felt about you, and trust me - that‘s quite an achievement you pulled here.

Fuck You.

You know what else is "not nice"?

What you did.

Or i guess i listened to others for too long, the "let grass grow..."-shit...
...so i missed something else happening by now...which gets new bad wind due to this?
No idea why you so mad on me, except me being a mild troll here for many years! ( I already had apologized and stopped doing so?!)

ok, i don´t get it!

you are all that deep into thinking i am a disgusting person?

Okay, let me put all my patience on the table here - do you really want a point by point explanation of what you did wrong?

i really just finally found myself having to tell you how i feel about all of this.
and how you seem to get me wrong!
and all i get is hate?!
I cant have done so different to what i have described above, how it went for me that day!

sure, gimme!
i want your point of view aswell!

Okay. Let's see.


Like in law, being drunk is never an excuse, in fact it probably exacerbates what happened because you DECIDED to drink. Noone forced you to.


You don't get to decide whether it was one or not.


I honestly don't know how you got from that one point to the other, and how having a similar name can justify a rape threat. Even if there is an explanation, somehow, it must be so roundabout that you absolutely can't blame people that they didn't make the same bizarro-logic conclusion, and even if they did, out of context it is what it is.

You also admit that you KNEW that Beftex immediately asked you to stop AND YOU DID NOT.

Imagine yourself in any scenario when you ask someone to stop and they don't.


Yeah, I always add ";)" after I proclaim to hate something.


Oh sure it could've, but it didn't, because it was the right thing to do.


To you it is, but I suspect even in this fairly broad community you'll find that less than 1% would see it the same way - and again, out-of-context it just looked what it looked like.

But you know what? I'll even roll with your logic! Let's make a joke about that isn't a rape threat! "Hey Beftex, if we ever marry we could have the same last name and noone would know which of us is which! Cos we have the same first name!" - see? It's not complicated to make a joke that's a) the same in essence b) immediately readable and comprehensible for an outsider and c) doesn't include implied sexual assault.


Sure, but you still did. Drivers don't intend to hit people, surgeons don't intend to botch surgeries, but it still happens, and there's usually a human fault - it's called "negligence".


SHE TOLD YOU TO STOP! MULTIPLE FUCKING TIMES! How is that not a massive fucking red light that things are going awry?


This is what bothers me the most I think, because in the end I think a lot of people went "oh he got banned, that's unsurprising", which gave me an impression that everyone knew exactly that this type of "misbehaviour" wasn't in the realm of impossible.


She'll chime in on this if she wants to but from what I've been told it was more than just hugging.


Jesus.

So when anyone looks at you, it can be for only one reason only?

What does that have to do with anything?


I think we've all heard that excuse before and it never stops being disgusting - all you're really saying is, "if I REALLY would've wanted to sexually harass them, it would've looked very different, trust me!"


Aside from the obvious "sit the fuck down, you're not hot shit" - how many talents did the demoscene lose because of you? How many people have come to a party, looked at your behaviour and went "nah I'm good" and never came back?


See, even DocD (i.e. someone who wasn't involved with the incidents) realized how bad this was. He knew full well what happened, and decided it was too much for him. If nothing else, you should look at him to see how bad this all is.


The bottom line is this: You regret not that it happened, but that you got hit by the consequences, and I'm not seeing a whole lot of "it will never happen again".

you just dont get that it was never a "rape-threat"...
...it was a PREPARATION to a joke...
...which never happened...
...due to not being able to get delivered!
DUE TO BAN!

I never wanted to really F someone at all...i just wanted to make you all laugh! :(

Ofcourse, how it went you can come up with all these anti-paragraphs! :(


BUT SURE, cancel me! ;)

Yup.

I really hoped, when i type it all out, everyone gets what really happened...and how you all went into a wrong direction of thinking..

..but obviously not!

Just let me stay the monster you made up in your mind and i am off your scene, not to annoy you all anymore! ;)

FINE! :(

Normally I would try to lighten the mood and make fun of people by posting in our infamous all-caps turboanalisis style, but this is nothing to be joked about. the fact that you can list multiple instances of making someone uncomfortable should be a sign. You're not even really apologizing, you are just shifting the blame to alcohol wich is one of the shittest excuses ever grow a spine and stop drinking if you can't handle your booze. but thats not all, you genuinely seem to think that telling someone 'give me a kiss' or 'Imma fuck you next real party' are set-ups for a joke and again shifting the blame to a bad pun instead of actually feeling guilty and apologizing...

To me it looks like the way 16 year old boys 'flirt' you say something inappropriate and if the recipient doesn't answer in a way you like, you're suddenly joking or they're not your type anyway. its disgusting. its so fucking disgusting I DON'T EVEN WANT TO JOKE ABOUT THIS.

I rarely post here, but in this case I have to say: Sorry, you fucked up. Massively.
And this post did not help in any ways. I fully endorse Gargaj's detailed reply to you.
Harassment is not ok. Being drunk is no excuse. My only regret is that we did not ban you earlier.

Your long autobiography on "How to be a sexist pig and a harrasser" is disgusting.
Your attempt on joking are nothing but pathetic and dangerous. Even when you tell your side of the story it just sounds like bad excuses full of shit and rape culture.
It's so hard to read, I was horrified at each line...
Dude drop it, you're wrong in all the point... That's terrible! Stop trying to find excuses where there isn't, stop drinking, stop making jokes that rely on sex and harrassment!

At 43 you should start considering becoming wiser and being aware of what is acceptable and what isn't when living in society!!! Your behaviour here is so messed up... (and I'll not explain why, as I totally agree with everything Gargaj pointed out! Read it again, you need it)

I suggest you take what you've written and take it to a therapist to process your inability to comprehend other people's point of view, your inexcusable behavior and your self-centered view of the world.

I tried asking GPT-3 to create a summary but I've reached my usage limit, so I'll just leave a "happy birthday".

don't forget to add "lite doxxing" to the list of offences, jeesh

Looks like another "rabbit hole" episode.

Happy Birthday Hardy <3

Sorry cant post a link here ...

i.imgur.com/ism63qG.jpg

Hardy you were in the wrong and you're still in the wrong now (moreso actually).
You shouldn't be making excuses, you should be trying to improve your behaviour instead.

That's what you take from this? Not "In hindsight this may have been the point where I should have stopped talking, like I was being asked to"?

You've had three months to reflect on what you could have done differently, and you're still thinking from the angle of "how I could have finished telling my joke" rather than actually respecting the wishes of another human who expressly didn't want that joke to be told.