I am sorry I was angry
category: residue [glöplog]
I don't know how to start this. Let's say that I had many days of self-reflection, every day I'll have a different sense of all things related to my life and my relation to the demoscene and why I believe the things I believe.
Today my sense was that it wasn't fair for me to react in a dramatic way by posting this demo and then disappearing. I did have such kind of reactions very back in the past in Pouet then I stopped for a long time. I recognize it can be unfair to make others feel awkward. I am afraid to write it because it could be used against me in the future, but I realize that such behaviours can seem emotionally manipulative, even if I don't understand it when I do it. I need to say it and own it and hopefully avoid this kind of behaviour in the future.
It would have been better if I directly confronted the posts that made me react like this. Post my honest opinion on the things that triggered me, or even just ignore them and focus on demos. I might have been angry or frustrated I couldn't relate in my thinking with some sceners or having a sense that most of the demoscene is feeling the same and feel like an outcast. But I understand now how someone feels for example in other spaces (e.g. Doomerboards) where the balance is the other way around and others feel like outcasts when the majority of comments have anti-woke sentiment for example. I might feel more like home there but not for the minority of very left-leaning people for example. So, I shouldn't necessary have grievance (especially not expressed in being angry and posting such a "I am done with you" demo) and see if I can fit in here, if not ok. If the space is leaning towards one direction, who am I to be angry at everyone for not going my way? (but it would be ok to at least have respectfully challenge the points that triggered me if I have the courage).
I think I'll just try to use Pouet as a demo database and mostly avoid the bbs threads (however if someone responds here, I'll read it and see if I can or do need to reply). Also, my sudden reaction is just only partially because of the heated political/cultural discussion. Something has suddenly changed in my mood. My mood was even very strange before, I was hyper enthousiastic for demoscene till I made my CPC+ intro, buying and Amiga or building retro PCs from XT to 486 and watching all kind of demos, programming fx for them, programming GBA code, had plans for 2-3 Jams or other CPC demos,. I was very high on watching demos on the real thing (something that lately I wasn't doing at all, besides on youtube) so I was even curious about what happened recently and I am so creative and enthousiastic. And here is the thing, after the CPC+ intro my mood dropped the other way around. Suddenly I was highly demotivated and more angry. I have ideas why but can't be sure (I also had recent change of a diet plan from vegeterian to low carb at the exact point, interesting). I know it will come back to normal after 1-2 months.
I just write this to close this chapter. To say I am ok, just currently I don't feel like making stuff for demoscene except maybe some rare tiny intro, but who knows in the future. Few days even the mood swings, I had some feeling that I wanted to code something different than demomaking. But I know things change every so often in my mind (I wanted to quit and focus all my attempts at coding a game even several months ago, then here I am buying an Amiga, watching tons of demos and coding CPC which was totally unexpected).
I'll focus on demo watching/making and forget about the politics, at least in Pouet (outside of it, I am fine with that) as it's not worth destroying the love I always had for the demoscene.
Today my sense was that it wasn't fair for me to react in a dramatic way by posting this demo and then disappearing. I did have such kind of reactions very back in the past in Pouet then I stopped for a long time. I recognize it can be unfair to make others feel awkward. I am afraid to write it because it could be used against me in the future, but I realize that such behaviours can seem emotionally manipulative, even if I don't understand it when I do it. I need to say it and own it and hopefully avoid this kind of behaviour in the future.
It would have been better if I directly confronted the posts that made me react like this. Post my honest opinion on the things that triggered me, or even just ignore them and focus on demos. I might have been angry or frustrated I couldn't relate in my thinking with some sceners or having a sense that most of the demoscene is feeling the same and feel like an outcast. But I understand now how someone feels for example in other spaces (e.g. Doomerboards) where the balance is the other way around and others feel like outcasts when the majority of comments have anti-woke sentiment for example. I might feel more like home there but not for the minority of very left-leaning people for example. So, I shouldn't necessary have grievance (especially not expressed in being angry and posting such a "I am done with you" demo) and see if I can fit in here, if not ok. If the space is leaning towards one direction, who am I to be angry at everyone for not going my way? (but it would be ok to at least have respectfully challenge the points that triggered me if I have the courage).
I think I'll just try to use Pouet as a demo database and mostly avoid the bbs threads (however if someone responds here, I'll read it and see if I can or do need to reply). Also, my sudden reaction is just only partially because of the heated political/cultural discussion. Something has suddenly changed in my mood. My mood was even very strange before, I was hyper enthousiastic for demoscene till I made my CPC+ intro, buying and Amiga or building retro PCs from XT to 486 and watching all kind of demos, programming fx for them, programming GBA code, had plans for 2-3 Jams or other CPC demos,. I was very high on watching demos on the real thing (something that lately I wasn't doing at all, besides on youtube) so I was even curious about what happened recently and I am so creative and enthousiastic. And here is the thing, after the CPC+ intro my mood dropped the other way around. Suddenly I was highly demotivated and more angry. I have ideas why but can't be sure (I also had recent change of a diet plan from vegeterian to low carb at the exact point, interesting). I know it will come back to normal after 1-2 months.
I just write this to close this chapter. To say I am ok, just currently I don't feel like making stuff for demoscene except maybe some rare tiny intro, but who knows in the future. Few days even the mood swings, I had some feeling that I wanted to code something different than demomaking. But I know things change every so often in my mind (I wanted to quit and focus all my attempts at coding a game even several months ago, then here I am buying an Amiga, watching tons of demos and coding CPC which was totally unexpected).
I'll focus on demo watching/making and forget about the politics, at least in Pouet (outside of it, I am fine with that) as it's not worth destroying the love I always had for the demoscene.
I'm glad you're ok, if you need to chat to try to make sense of these topics feel free to ping me on discord!
Don't underestimate the possible impact of your diet on your mood especially when it is some hard change.
We have computers....
Okay? Yes!
Glad you are okay and good to see you had some time for yourself to reflect on things.
and pretty much this:
Looking forward to seeing more cool tiny intros from your in the future!
and pretty much this:
Quote:
I'll focus on demo watching/making and forget about the politics, at least in Pouet (outside of it, I am fine with that) as it's not worth destroying the love I always had for the demoscene.
Looking forward to seeing more cool tiny intros from your in the future!
