pouët.net

Argghgh...

I have weird moods today. Up and down, left and right, ana and kata,.. FUNKY SHIT!!!

I almost don't know what I want and what I don't.

I woke up today after having some strange dreams. Yesterday I coded something for 0A000h. I liked it. (Almost. Why am I struggling to produce something for the scene? I want my money back!!! Some coders seems to enjoying it as much, or to finding it as relaxing as I find clicking with my mouse on the net or writting this bullshit in Pouet or playing Unreal Tournament with friends (Baktinet is too tiring for me lately!). I guess democoding wasn't for me, only the visual effects connect with some maths and algos were neat for me. I don't know..) I will surelly bring something for there and if I don't, I simply don't care (Then why am I writting this thing?).

I miss my bicycle still and the GUS hasn't arrived. I learn jetzt through email that the guy who sold me the Metroid GBA game and returned back to him, sent it to me again and returned once again to him. Why?!?! I checked now the address and it's right!!!!!!! The GUS guy told me that the package is on the way, so I guess I still have some hope for getting it. Most probably, if I won't see it these days, it will be lost too :((( I know it, I KNOW IT, I KNOW IT, AND I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE IS PISSED WITH ME BECAUSE I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY ANGRY!!! (As Okkie loled a lot when he first read this :])

And the spammers on Yahoo continue. WTH some of the newcoming messages are not in the first page of my 500s of received emails? Why? It's like the spammers even have clever systems to put their message inside the previous pages with older message, so that you have to search through every every every last page (because of the laws of murphy!) in order to find it, so that you get bored and their spam remains there?! Agh agh agh agh agh!!!

And while walking to the uni, I was having evil thoughts of how to kill the scene. Deadly ways, mental ways, disinformation, dislibelation, getting power, casting my tentacles upon you, controlling or opening a new scene, splitting into two, divide the scene, make friends and enemies. But I go to the parties and you show me the real scene! Why??? No,. matter, after many parties I will stop being there and I will make my evil thoughts for world domination.

And I didn't wanted to write this. Why do it? To see what you have to tell me??? I know I will be tomorrow here and see. I was almost not writting, not spending my time with this lame community. What is the scene? An RPG of set roles? Who is taking it serious??? People say they don't. But once they do, the other they don't. I don't know why I am inside and I don't know why other people are inside, but I don't care about them since I have to answer to myself. I am wondering what this black iron prison called the scene is all about..

I think I lost my role. It doesn't come after before the 2 previous paragraphs. My role and my life is a role too. A role of settings. You have to be this, that, theat, thereat,. oh well :P

Oh yeah? I want to get attention??? I want to be the center of the world or the center of Pouet? Let there it be so. I don't care!!! I am a Capricorn and I am having power inside my soul. I am a dark hero..

Let's say something else. What will be my revenege? My revenge to WHAT?!?! That I am the BELFASZ of this community? Why proove I am not? How? By doing a kick ass demo??? Oh fusk!!! Wicked scene motivations. What to do then? Say that I have to be active frequently? Why should I be active frequently? Why people are trying to finish stuff in demoparties? Do they really have so relaxing fun while coding??? Or are they less lazy than me and work because the scene and activity in it is connected with their personalities or their nickname role?!? Why if it is with me, I don't get it to work frequently??? What's the matter with me anyways?

I've lost two matters in between. I almost don't remember them? GUS??? No,. I already talked about GUS.

I still have the evil thoughts. I think I am playing another role. I guess that's why I was in the scene. Roles! I wanted to be something else. What else to do except from reallifing??? Ugh!

I can do many things:

1) Continue in the scene and rotten, becoming even more your favorite clown!
2) Continue in the scene and make something really good. Probably stop being active in the internet/pouet and work underground, surprising people after months of dissapearing!
3) Quit totally the scene and return back surprisingly after 5 years of silence with a shocking demo!
4) Quit the scene forever and getting a wife
5) Quit the scene forever and change your roots on your computer life. Become some kind of richman in a computer software company, get a fuckin lot of power and then you can kick ass demoscene's ass with that!!!
6) Quit the scene forever and go to the mountains. Something really more obscure. Leave your computer life. Become something else in something else, or like a dark hero, or like a mysterious shadowed figure,. an antihero,. read Castanenda and other weird things, find a religious meaning, open a religion, or a new idealism thing and stuff..
7) Launch a nuclear nuke to kill this world.

I can think of more. My imagination has not finished..

What do you think?

1) Am I serious?
2) Am I deadly serious?
3) Am I deadly funny, crazy or just ridiculous???
4) Kick/Kill/Ban the lamer?
5) I am just having a bad day???

Can you give me the answer because I can't find myself and I always trying to find ways to connect to people even if I don't trust anyone? Nope.

I can suppose now that I am just writting all these for fun,. nothing really really really is serious, you shouldn't be taking me so, don't be afraid of me being a wacko who someday will bomb the oldschool section (let the gamers live!) in a future Assembly 2008. I can suppose that because I see my face laughing with the faqing things I am writting!!! (And I really really really want to see what you will have to answer and that's what bugs me.) but another self who is writting these things perhaps inside me is true,. except if it's just a very wicked role.

I don't care what you say and I will counterargument you!!!

I really don't know how to end this message :(

did you forget your livejournal-password again?

OH HELL!!! I am reading what I just wrote and bursting out of laughter around here in the RZ.

I forgot livejournal at all? Why writting my life story there??? Why writting life stories at all??????? Blah :P

I know now why my parents don't understand the scene. But it wouldn't be possible to me to understand life too anyways..

Oops,. I think I mixed my Ouzo with my Fanta :]

ehm.. Optimus.. I wouldn't take any of your 7 suggestions.
Why do you desperately want to be a hero?
I think with all these 7 suggestions nothing would change. You would bother different people imho but the problem wouldn't be changed.. you still would be captured in a cave or something.
That's my small input to that.. perhaps you don't bother any more cause you already laughed at your own post..

>but the problem wouldn't be changed.. you still would be captured in a cave or something.

Yes, but I would enjoy it. Perhaps I can later suicide too..

>Why do you desperately want to be a hero?

That's an interesting question. I could write tons about it and it's philosophical counterparts too (I have to buy a book of Castaneda and start reading, ideas seem preety diferrent that everything else I have heard about some meaning..) but I won't do it now. I am not ready.

I am really wondering what most people want from life. I can't read their souls. And I am wondering what I really want then. Somehow, to live a normal life was ok for me, but I wanted something, I always wanted something. Not that if I ever get it, it will better, especially the way I am doing it. But,. I was a Capricorn self, a perfectionist or anything blended in such a religious way after my youth (when I started getting personality) even if I was never religious. Like I was seeing the very very very real far above things and I could tell people. It's hard to explain. It's not important now. Perhaps a very wicked version of Don Quihotes (how the hell it's written) imho..

But I don't need to bring that. I just like playing with roles sometimes. Perhaps we are really locked in a bad way in this reality. This was the only reason of me to live, I don't care about just having fun, kids, wife and stuff like that. Not that I couldn't have fun with these but.. I don't know. But I didn't succeded becoming my hero (however, capricornism means perfectionism till humilliation and then continue while everything laughing at you and you put them your glasses and stuff,. revenge comes late and that's power!)

I don't know..

I could enjoy 2,3, perhaps 4, especially 5, 6 might be a change, 7 might be an end. I played 1 enough and someday it will stop..

Optimus, you're my superhero!!
but no way i'm gonna read a word of this babbling...

>You would bother different people imho

1) I am bother Pouet
2) I will bother smaller groups
3) I will bother big established groups
4) I will bother my wife
5) I will bother the computer industry
6) I will bother God
7) I will bother this world

Or?

FooLman: Superheros are dead but we can't live without superheros. The last hacker already died before we were born. (Some old Imphobia12 article)

"1) Continue in the scene and rotten, becoming even more your favorite clown!"

- sounds likely ;) or what are you doing now?

"2) Continue in the scene and make something really good. Probably stop being active in the internet/pouet and work underground, surprising people after months of dissapearing!"

- didn't you do that before, and fail? ;)

"3) Quit totally the scene and return back surprisingly after 5 years of silence with a shocking demo!"

- didn't you do that before, and fail after only 2 weeks? ;)

"4) Quit the scene forever and getting a wife"

- that could help a lot, but you really don't need to quit the scene too

"5) Quit the scene forever ... Become some kind of richman ... get a fuckin lot of power ... kick ass"

- and it gets even more funny ;) If you became rich and got a lot of power, you would likely be too busy to even think about the scene. And even then, you would probably not care any more.

"6) Quit the scene forever and go to the mountains ... like a dark hero, or like a mysterious shadowed figure,. an antihero..."

- LOL! Become a hermit more like, and have to go to the nearest village once per week to collect benefits and buy food ;) And be laughed at by the village kids for being a wierd poor guy who lives alone and shouts stuff about taking over the world ;)

"7) Launch a nuclear nuke to kill this world."

- I'd actually be very impressed if you could find the time, money, space, and people to get the materials to build a bomb. Just think how many world-domination demos could be made with so much cash, people and effort ;) But then, if the world is the problem (which it isn't) destroying it wouldn't really help a lot (if you want to read something, read 'the white plague' by frank herbert for some nice anti-hero stuff with a bit more realism ;)

Next.

"1) Am I serious?"
- No. You find it funny.

"2) Am I deadly serious?"
- Yes. You take it really seriously too ;)

"3) Am I deadly funny, crazy or just ridiculous???"
- all three ;)

"4) Kick/Kill/Ban the lamer?"
- No, laugh at the clown, feel sorry for the poor freak, and then don't worry about it cause you'll grow up more in a year or two. Then feel sorry again, cause you'll be embarassed to read all this again ;)

"5) I am just having a bad day???"
- Sounds like it. But at least you've given the rest of us a boost with such a funny post ;)

casting your tentacles and killing the scenel!?!?!?!!??
oh optimus stop you're making me hot!

here is a thought, why dont you make a demo about it? maybe that would help you feel more a part of the scene, no?

OH! I GOT IT! OPTIMUS: START A NEW FAKE GROUP AND DO THE MOST EVIL DEMO YOU CAN THINK OF! THAT WAY YOU'LL GET YOUR FUN IN DOING THINGS BACK WHILE LETTING YOUR EVIL DARK HERO ALTER EGO ROAM FREE TERRORIZING THE SCENE.

the hard part is getting a cool name for the group and nicks.. it's hard work, requires huge amounts of beer and psychotropic substances.. but i think you can still manage to do it.

WE HAVE FAITH IN YOU OPTIMUS! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! (except stop spamming pouet with your personal life ofcourse :) )

Yes, I could express my feeling through a demo. I thought that tens of times but most probably I won't make one..

But why loosing my energy in that? Why loosing it here???

And fuck, I want my GUS!!!

opitmus: havent you learned anything at st(art)?

Have you learned my latest(?) news art in my website btw???
http://optimus.demoscene.gr/indeks.htm

still waiting for counter-arguments...

It's been a bad day, please don't take a picture
It's been a bad day, ple-e-ease... :)

"don't be afraid of me being a wacko who someday will bomb the oldschool section (let the gamers live!) in a future Assembly 2008."

you obviously havent tried to walk into the hartwall arena with a beer in your hand yet.