pouët.net

p.p.p.s. But I still need some time before I return to Pouet. The admins can still keep my banned.

I am happy that I was banned from Pouet for a while. I am sad because I did what I always do when I get banned or decide to step off. The next day after the big boom I am curious about people's comments. And when I see myself lurking into yesterday's oneliners trying to find a mention of my stupidity and wanting more I am get really sad. There is a strange psychopathology that I used to express it through victimization and drama even years before I joined the demoscene. Someone would call me an attention-whore for that. I accept the term but it's all getting me sad. Why and when did I acquired this psyche? Why do I like to think of myself as a dark hero or a sad philosopher? Why when I put these characterizations on my mouth, most people automatically react as I just said that "I am a highly sorrowful intellectual who nobody understands me and that's making me special"? Or do I? And if I do why can't I see the problem and why people are allergic to this? And what if regardless if it's right or wrong to write about myself, this is still what I am and I can't stop it?
...