Going to parties with a social phobia
category: parties [glöplog]
Club Mate. People tell me it looks like Corona often. Probably tastes better. (I've never tried Corona.)
Hehehe, I hope it tastes well :)
I live on that stuff (as a substitute for coffee) and while I really enjoy the taste of most Mate softdrinks, experience shows there is a lot of ppl who cant stand it =)
It's a generally accepted fact that Germans have horrible taste in food and drinks though. ^_^
On topic, I just read this article, and I feel it might tangentially tie in to the subject: http://www.polygon.com/features/2016/1/22/10776792/imposter-syndrome-game-developers-who-feel-like-frauds
I went by myself to my first party. I had only written in passing with one guy on SoundCloud who I knew would be there. It's daunting for sure, but you're definitely not the only one with social anxiety or introversion at a gathering of people whose hobbies are solitary creative activities in front of a computer. Also, lots of people are very open, friendly and inclusive.
I found it's much more relaxing and natural to meet people if there's a specific activity or gadget involved. Alcohol works of course, but there are plenty of great sober alternatives. Depending on the venue/season you can bring a football, frisbee, darts, electronics, a quadcopter, hand out sweets, watch demos, bring a deck of cards, ask people about the prods they're working on, bring toy instruments or percussion, ask if people want to get something to eat, go swimming, check out the town - simple things that people can join in on. The focus will be on the thing/activity instead of you, it's easy for others to join, and it's a situation where you don't necessarily need to keep the conversation going.
And of course, nobody expect anyone to be a social superman. Some people might not be very receptive, but they could be tired, have social anxiety themselves (despite seemingly confident appearance), or any other reason. Most people I've talked to have been really nice and easy-going. When I feel like recharging, I just walk around, enjoy the mood, look at what people are working on, or check out the area around the venue.
I found it's much more relaxing and natural to meet people if there's a specific activity or gadget involved. Alcohol works of course, but there are plenty of great sober alternatives. Depending on the venue/season you can bring a football, frisbee, darts, electronics, a quadcopter, hand out sweets, watch demos, bring a deck of cards, ask people about the prods they're working on, bring toy instruments or percussion, ask if people want to get something to eat, go swimming, check out the town - simple things that people can join in on. The focus will be on the thing/activity instead of you, it's easy for others to join, and it's a situation where you don't necessarily need to keep the conversation going.
And of course, nobody expect anyone to be a social superman. Some people might not be very receptive, but they could be tired, have social anxiety themselves (despite seemingly confident appearance), or any other reason. Most people I've talked to have been really nice and easy-going. When I feel like recharging, I just walk around, enjoy the mood, look at what people are working on, or check out the area around the venue.
Out of curiosity, a question to those who feel they have social anxiety - when you go to an event and you already know a few people, do you look forward to meeting them?
For me depends on my current state. Sometimes thinking that there will be people I know terrifies me even more, because it means that there is a way higher possibility of somebody approaching me and trying to talk to me. Or even worse, drag me to socialize with strangers or doing some utterly horrifying things like dancing =)
Ah, and also when I sit in a corner with a hood on staring at my phone among strangers, they likely won't try to communicate, and when there are people who know me, they can start coming to me, asking what's wrong, what can they do to help, etc. Just leave me alone, gosh =) I mean, I know they mean well, but it makes me very uncomfortable when I feel like I'm involuntarily dragging somebody's attention on me.
On the other hand I would never go somewhere where I know nobody at all. With people I know I can be alone in a group at least. Sit in the corner, but still feel somewhat included. If I don't know anybody, or if that one person I know left to talk with an old pal for a while (which is completely ok, but isn't less terrifying for me because of that), I want to run away and hide somewhere outside of the venue. Which I actually do sometimes at parties.
If I'm in a good state though and feel confident enough, it's possible to actually look forward to meeting people, yeah. The key for me is to try and not have high expectations about the time together, because it may easily backfire, also because I can fall into the complete lock down myself and not able to have a good time with them even when they are open to it.
Hm, so I'm painting a somewhat dark picture here, I guess. I should say it's been much worse for me since a year or so, since I limited my social interactions to close to zero. But once you get a bit used to being on public, even with friends, I mean, it gets easier. And then you can have fun with them no matter where it happens, in a safety of your own home, your friend's place, or at a demoparty.
Ah, and also when I sit in a corner with a hood on staring at my phone among strangers, they likely won't try to communicate, and when there are people who know me, they can start coming to me, asking what's wrong, what can they do to help, etc. Just leave me alone, gosh =) I mean, I know they mean well, but it makes me very uncomfortable when I feel like I'm involuntarily dragging somebody's attention on me.
On the other hand I would never go somewhere where I know nobody at all. With people I know I can be alone in a group at least. Sit in the corner, but still feel somewhat included. If I don't know anybody, or if that one person I know left to talk with an old pal for a while (which is completely ok, but isn't less terrifying for me because of that), I want to run away and hide somewhere outside of the venue. Which I actually do sometimes at parties.
If I'm in a good state though and feel confident enough, it's possible to actually look forward to meeting people, yeah. The key for me is to try and not have high expectations about the time together, because it may easily backfire, also because I can fall into the complete lock down myself and not able to have a good time with them even when they are open to it.
Hm, so I'm painting a somewhat dark picture here, I guess. I should say it's been much worse for me since a year or so, since I limited my social interactions to close to zero. But once you get a bit used to being on public, even with friends, I mean, it gets easier. And then you can have fun with them no matter where it happens, in a safety of your own home, your friend's place, or at a demoparty.
Quote:
Out of curiosity, a question to those who feel they have social anxiety - when you go to an event and you already know a few people, do you look forward to meeting them?
I do, somehow. I dread the moments until I arrive at the event though. Once I'm there and see people and say hello, the anxiety slowly fades. With the right people in the right mood (and me in the right mood), it might even turn out to be quite fun - but it's not guaranteed.
Factor6: not being able to think of anything smart to ask is common with everyone, not exclusive to social anxiety folks :)
some folks are more stressed with unconfortable silences then others, if it affects you it's nice tactic to just hang around people who talk alot, so they do all the talking and you just listen and give some occasional remarks. they usually hang around in groups talking with each other, so you just have to walk into the group, nod an hello and listen to what they're talking about to see if it interests you or not, if it doesn't, walk off and find another group. there are quite a few sceners around that enjoy talking a lot about everything and their mother to whoever will listen, shouldn't be hard to spot them around the campfire or in front of the big screen :)
but generally most people are fine with just hanging out without speaking much, just watching other people passing by, listening to music, making an occasional comment and taking some time to figure out something relevant / interesting to talk about (like how someone did some particular effect on some demo, or if they are into some specific music genre, or watched some series you follow).
some folks are more stressed with unconfortable silences then others, if it affects you it's nice tactic to just hang around people who talk alot, so they do all the talking and you just listen and give some occasional remarks. they usually hang around in groups talking with each other, so you just have to walk into the group, nod an hello and listen to what they're talking about to see if it interests you or not, if it doesn't, walk off and find another group. there are quite a few sceners around that enjoy talking a lot about everything and their mother to whoever will listen, shouldn't be hard to spot them around the campfire or in front of the big screen :)
but generally most people are fine with just hanging out without speaking much, just watching other people passing by, listening to music, making an occasional comment and taking some time to figure out something relevant / interesting to talk about (like how someone did some particular effect on some demo, or if they are into some specific music genre, or watched some series you follow).
Factor6: I hope you remember me, though. :P
Quote:
Out of curiosity, a question to those who feel they have social anxiety - when you go to an event and you already know a few people, do you look forward to meeting them?
Yes and no at the same time. If I don't know them well (met few times at parties or so) meeting them again is scary even though I'd look forward to meeting the people again. I just tend to think that people who know me but are not my close friends hate me by default so it makes things a bit hard (it doesn't make sense, I know). If I know the people better then there is no problem. Also if I don't know the people at all I can some times quite easily start to talk about something meaningless (like weather or news or what ever), however talking about something meaningful is not that easy (including topics related to demos and technology).
So I'm actually quite social (I wouldn't even count my self as an introvert) but just afraid of people if it makes any sense.
Interesting topic, and a feeling I share.
In theory the idea of a demoparty sounds so awesome, hundreds of people who share your esoteric interest - finally people you can talk to without problems, but it never seems to work out that way.
I also tend to have a problem talking to drunk people, maybe because I rarely drink myself.
Also being somewhat of a germophobe, the thought of toilet facilities shared by a thousand drunk people really, really doesn't sit well with me!
For me, the solution is to stick to smaller, local parties, where you have a better chance to get to know people as they come back year after eyar, and if it is within driving distance, you can always leave and go home when you feel like it.
In theory the idea of a demoparty sounds so awesome, hundreds of people who share your esoteric interest - finally people you can talk to without problems, but it never seems to work out that way.
I also tend to have a problem talking to drunk people, maybe because I rarely drink myself.
Also being somewhat of a germophobe, the thought of toilet facilities shared by a thousand drunk people really, really doesn't sit well with me!
For me, the solution is to stick to smaller, local parties, where you have a better chance to get to know people as they come back year after eyar, and if it is within driving distance, you can always leave and go home when you feel like it.
But have you ever been to a big demoparty, Shadow, or are you just elaborating about your fears?
I have been to pretty big parties, like Light-Phenomena-92 and Dreamhack early 2000s a couple of times.
other people are so tiresome! i consider myself decently equipped with the necessary social skills, but i need shitload of loner-time after big demoparties like revision before i'm back at ease ;)
or a bunch of sleep
@Shadow: Well, then it is sad that you prefer to stick to small local parties. It makes less probable to meet you someday.
rimina: i have found that finnish people have this cultural trait to naturally avoid speaking unless they really have to (or are drunk enough), they generally seem more at ease with uncomfortable silences aswell, as opposed to latin people who seem to go crazy if anyone is silent for more then 2 seconds in any sort of social environment or conclude you must be depressed if you don't feel like talking much in a conversation. i reckon it's got something to do with getting used to winter solitude.
even just greeting when seeing a person you recognize, finnish people tend to ignore you or just nod an hello, while latin people make a huge event out of it (touching and talking).
i got a bit used to the finnish standard while living in finland, and now moving back to portugal people just think i'm antisocial or rude when i dont greet them with a handshake, hugs or kisses after not seeing them for a while.
even just greeting when seeing a person you recognize, finnish people tend to ignore you or just nod an hello, while latin people make a huge event out of it (touching and talking).
i got a bit used to the finnish standard while living in finland, and now moving back to portugal people just think i'm antisocial or rude when i dont greet them with a handshake, hugs or kisses after not seeing them for a while.
@Sdw sad to hear that, I'd love to meet you as well :)
You could just go to where he goes :)
Quote:
Out of curiosity, a question to those who feel they have social anxiety - when you go to an event and you already know a few people, do you look forward to meeting them?
Depends how good I know them and how much in a non-scene aspect. The more I know them - the more I'm looking forward. Because of the kindness level, to be honest.
..and what @rimina says.
Example: I remember at my last Revision we had to go to Charlie to the orga area because of some issue with our demo. He is big and I was a bit scared of him. Whether I should say if I'm looking forward to Charlie, i'd say no. But I completely admit this is because I don't know him.
Example: I remember at my last Revision we had to go to Charlie to the orga area because of some issue with our demo. He is big and I was a bit scared of him. Whether I should say if I'm looking forward to Charlie, i'd say no. But I completely admit this is because I don't know him.
@Factor6:
I eat people. You are lucky I just probably wasn't hungry at that point.
(No, seriously: Last year was a particularly stressful event for me as an organizer. So if I looked angrily at people, that's why. It was nothing personal. All entries are very welcome, and get the best possible treatment, and we're helping with possible issues.)
I eat people. You are lucky I just probably wasn't hungry at that point.
(No, seriously: Last year was a particularly stressful event for me as an organizer. So if I looked angrily at people, that's why. It was nothing personal. All entries are very welcome, and get the best possible treatment, and we're helping with possible issues.)
What maali said except i don't like to go to parties. One on one maybe once a year is what i prefer.
