MATHJOKETIME!
category: offtopic [glöplog]
e^x and pi walk into a bar. Suddently pi exclaims: "oh shit, look there, that's a fucking differential operator. I'm outta here".
e^x: "Wat ?"
pi: "Look man, i'm a freaking constant, he's gonna cancel me out..."
e^x is not impress and walks up to the differential operator: "Hey, bastard, think you can bully me and my buddy away ? well guess what, my name's exponential and I'm not afraid of you !"
and the differential operator grins and answers: "Hi. I'm d/dy".
e^x: "Wat ?"
pi: "Look man, i'm a freaking constant, he's gonna cancel me out..."
e^x is not impress and walks up to the differential operator: "Hey, bastard, think you can bully me and my buddy away ? well guess what, my name's exponential and I'm not afraid of you !"
and the differential operator grins and answers: "Hi. I'm d/dy".
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar; the first goes up to the bartender and orders a glass of beer.
Before the bartender can pour it, the second walks up and asks for half a glass of beer.
The third, following suit, asks for a quarter glass of beer. The bartender, seeing where this is going, says, "Fuck this," and pours two glasses of beer.
Before the bartender can pour it, the second walks up and asks for half a glass of beer.
The third, following suit, asks for a quarter glass of beer. The bartender, seeing where this is going, says, "Fuck this," and pours two glasses of beer.
Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Möbius Dick...
A: Möbius Dick...
I like this version better - it builds more depth to e^x's character!
The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, “Damn, it's great to be e^x. I'm real analytic everywhere. I'm my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck.”
Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.
“Why don't you look where you're going?" demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3's eyes and says "You look terrified!" "I am!" says the panicky 3. "There's a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I'll be reduced to nothing! I've got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.
"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I've got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I'll still be there."
So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I'm e^x."
"Hi. I'm d / dy."
The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, “Damn, it's great to be e^x. I'm real analytic everywhere. I'm my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck.”
Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.
“Why don't you look where you're going?" demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3's eyes and says "You look terrified!" "I am!" says the panicky 3. "There's a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I'll be reduced to nothing! I've got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.
"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I've got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I'll still be there."
So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I'm e^x."
"Hi. I'm d / dy."
px: so you're saying my version was only partially funny?
Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
A: An algae-bra.
A: An algae-bra.
Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A: (elephant)(grape)sin(θ)
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. Mountain climber is a scalar.
A: (elephant)(grape)sin(θ)
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. Mountain climber is a scalar.
area of a pie:
Pi * z * z = a
Pi * z * z = a
andr00: i knew that second one as;
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
either way, it ain't funny
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Why is 6 scared of 7?
A. Because 7 8 9 !!!1111OMGLOL
A. Because 7 8 9 !!!1111OMGLOL
Why is the indefinite integral of (1 / cabin) d(cabin) equal to a beach hut?
Because it's a natural log cabin plus sea.
Because it's a natural log cabin plus sea.
hell, i don't get them ...
... but they somehow seem funny anyway.
... but they somehow seem funny anyway.
-Du, gôbben, vå e de som e så jevvla kladdigt i matteboken din?
-Det är pythagoras sats, änna!
-Det är pythagoras sats, änna!
Q: How many numerical analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 0.9973 after the first three iterations.
A: 0.9973 after the first three iterations.
a biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are standing at a bus stop.
and empty bus is approaching. 10 people get in.
they watch the bus and see 11 people coming out at the next stop down the road.
the biologist says: "sure thing, they must have reproduced!"
the phycisist says: "10% tolerance - no problem"
the mathematician says: "if one person goes on the bus now, nobody's inside"
and empty bus is approaching. 10 people get in.
they watch the bus and see 11 people coming out at the next stop down the road.
the biologist says: "sure thing, they must have reproduced!"
the phycisist says: "10% tolerance - no problem"
the mathematician says: "if one person goes on the bus now, nobody's inside"
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.
A: An abelian grape.
A group of 3 physicists and 3 mathematicians travel together to a conference by train.
Before entering, the physicists buy 3 tickets, the mathematicians buy only one.
In the train, when they can hear the conductor approaching, the physicists prepare their tickets, while the mathematicians disappear together into the closet. The physicists show their tickets. When the conductor approaches the closet and knocks on the door, the mathematicians slide the one ticket below the door. The conductor is satisfied and leaves.
On the way back, the physicists now buy only one ticket, the mathematicians buy none. As soon as the conductor approaches, both group enter a different closet. As soon as the physicists have closed the door, one mathematician leaves the closet and knocks on the physicists' door. They slide the ticket under the door and the mathematicians takes the ticket and leaves for the mathematicians' closet.
The conclusion: physicists use mathematical methods, but do not completely understand them.
Before entering, the physicists buy 3 tickets, the mathematicians buy only one.
In the train, when they can hear the conductor approaching, the physicists prepare their tickets, while the mathematicians disappear together into the closet. The physicists show their tickets. When the conductor approaches the closet and knocks on the door, the mathematicians slide the one ticket below the door. The conductor is satisfied and leaves.
On the way back, the physicists now buy only one ticket, the mathematicians buy none. As soon as the conductor approaches, both group enter a different closet. As soon as the physicists have closed the door, one mathematician leaves the closet and knocks on the physicists' door. They slide the ticket under the door and the mathematicians takes the ticket and leaves for the mathematicians' closet.
The conclusion: physicists use mathematical methods, but do not completely understand them.
Q: How do you detect an extroverted mathematician?
A: He looks on your shoes while he is talking to you.
A: He looks on your shoes while he is talking to you.
Q: How many coders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One that does it perfectly and nine that say they can do it better.
A: Ten. One that does it perfectly and nine that say they can do it better.
