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SCENE NEWS: Xeron Constipated, Optimus vasectomy and more!
category: general [glöplog]
Christmas constipation
Just want to send well wishes to Xeron who was constipated over Christmas. That must have been a downer.
Apparently Xeron has been suffering from constipation for 4 weeks. One night his neighbours heard him straining and squealing and decided to check up on him. They listened through the letterbox, but all they heard was....
"Oh no! Oh please! Aaaargh! God, help me!" Followed by crying.
They immediately alerted the police. The police were followed by camera crews who had picked up a lead about a serial killer in the area. It was a media circus!
They charged upstairs and kicked open the toilet door to find Xeron sitting there crying. He was also masturbating to pass the time.
The police decided to arrest him for wasting police time. They dragged him from the toilet and placed him in handcuffs.
Xeron managed to take a dump later in the police car.
Parapete falls head over heels in love
While the rest of us like to spend winter nights snuggled in front of a warm fire, Pete is kitting himself out in his grandad's sailor uniform and hitting the icy streets.
"When I was a young boy I slipped on an icy path and cracked my cock", Pete recalls. "I lay there for an hour with nobody there to comfort me."
Pete vows never to let that happen to anybody else. He parades the streets looking for civilians in trouble and should one slip, he dashes to their aid, skidding on his ass to get there. He sits up next to them and with a warmhearted smile, asks, "Are you all right?"
But on December 29th, Pete went beyond the call of duty:
"Normally I just ask if they're all right then I continue my rounds," he explains. "But there was something about this woman that captured my heart. I couldn't bring myself to leave her."
He lay next to her on the ice and spoke to her for nearly an hour. They made love, twice and he promised to call her, before sliding off into the darkness.
She was rushed to hospital where it was revealed that her fall had paralysed her from the neck down.
Megamies gets buggered
In similar news, Megamies has had a bad back and was confined to bed over Christmas.
One morning he awoke needing to use the toilet. Unable to stand to his feet, he lay in his bed and called for his butler to help him. Nobody came, so Megamies rolled onto the floor and proceeded to crawl to the bathroom.
Along the way, he happened to see Bugger, his faithful dog. Unfortunately for Megamies, there was a reason he called the dog Bugger.
"I tried to crawl past him, but I wasn't quick enough" Megamies whimpers. "He mounted me and...and...I had no choice except to let him finish what he started".
Optimus fires blanks
Ever since joining the army, Optimus is hornier than ever before and has been taking out his frustrations on all the local girls. Sergeant Fieldmouse reports that Optimus has been reprimanded several times for smuggling women into the barracks.
"The privates are regularly awoken by orgasmic screams and grunting in the middle of the night, but no one is tough enough to take on Optimus so we just let him finish" said Private Sniffer.
But now Optimus is faced with another problem. He has been hit with demands for paternal tests from jilted single mothers wanting child support.
Optimus agreed that he would undergo a vasectomy to prevent such mistakes occuring again. As of January 1st, Optimus has been firing blanks for the Greek army!
Just want to send well wishes to Xeron who was constipated over Christmas. That must have been a downer.
Apparently Xeron has been suffering from constipation for 4 weeks. One night his neighbours heard him straining and squealing and decided to check up on him. They listened through the letterbox, but all they heard was....
"Oh no! Oh please! Aaaargh! God, help me!" Followed by crying.
They immediately alerted the police. The police were followed by camera crews who had picked up a lead about a serial killer in the area. It was a media circus!
They charged upstairs and kicked open the toilet door to find Xeron sitting there crying. He was also masturbating to pass the time.
The police decided to arrest him for wasting police time. They dragged him from the toilet and placed him in handcuffs.
Xeron managed to take a dump later in the police car.
Parapete falls head over heels in love
While the rest of us like to spend winter nights snuggled in front of a warm fire, Pete is kitting himself out in his grandad's sailor uniform and hitting the icy streets.
"When I was a young boy I slipped on an icy path and cracked my cock", Pete recalls. "I lay there for an hour with nobody there to comfort me."
Pete vows never to let that happen to anybody else. He parades the streets looking for civilians in trouble and should one slip, he dashes to their aid, skidding on his ass to get there. He sits up next to them and with a warmhearted smile, asks, "Are you all right?"
But on December 29th, Pete went beyond the call of duty:
"Normally I just ask if they're all right then I continue my rounds," he explains. "But there was something about this woman that captured my heart. I couldn't bring myself to leave her."
He lay next to her on the ice and spoke to her for nearly an hour. They made love, twice and he promised to call her, before sliding off into the darkness.
She was rushed to hospital where it was revealed that her fall had paralysed her from the neck down.
Megamies gets buggered
In similar news, Megamies has had a bad back and was confined to bed over Christmas.
One morning he awoke needing to use the toilet. Unable to stand to his feet, he lay in his bed and called for his butler to help him. Nobody came, so Megamies rolled onto the floor and proceeded to crawl to the bathroom.
Along the way, he happened to see Bugger, his faithful dog. Unfortunately for Megamies, there was a reason he called the dog Bugger.
"I tried to crawl past him, but I wasn't quick enough" Megamies whimpers. "He mounted me and...and...I had no choice except to let him finish what he started".
Optimus fires blanks
Ever since joining the army, Optimus is hornier than ever before and has been taking out his frustrations on all the local girls. Sergeant Fieldmouse reports that Optimus has been reprimanded several times for smuggling women into the barracks.
"The privates are regularly awoken by orgasmic screams and grunting in the middle of the night, but no one is tough enough to take on Optimus so we just let him finish" said Private Sniffer.
But now Optimus is faced with another problem. He has been hit with demands for paternal tests from jilted single mothers wanting child support.
Optimus agreed that he would undergo a vasectomy to prevent such mistakes occuring again. As of January 1st, Optimus has been firing blanks for the Greek army!
reminds me of cafe fuji :-)
lawl :D
hehe, right on! I knew that Optimus was a dirty dawg! woof!
Good story, Shane. I didn't know you were that good of a writer. I laughed in tears for it :D
Good new year for everyone and please send me an ergonomic chair for next christmas, I actually have a bad back.
Good new year for everyone and please send me an ergonomic chair for next christmas, I actually have a bad back.
Glad you liked the news. I take pride in my journalistic skills! :)
Okkie meets the Hof
Two days ago, Okkie lived out a lifetime dream, meeting his idol David Hasslehoff. The encounter got off to a bad start, however, when Okkie spilt icecream over David's pants.
David endured jeers from surrounding critics and immature jokes about semen stains. Okkie leapt to his defence and he and his hero took on the surrounding mob using their martial arts skills.
The "mob", however, consisted mostly of children and elderly folk and the two heros were soon arrested and spent a few hours in a prison cell until being bailed out by Kit - who was not happy!
Maali touches a horse
Maali's new year's resolution was to overcome his fear of horses. They had been terrorising his dreams for many years and every time he heard hooves approaching he would curl into a ball and shake silently.
Havoc, Shockwav3 and their grandads decided to accompany Maali to the farm for support.
"I told them I would look at the horse, I would speak to the horse and I would wave at the horse, but I didn't want to touch it," Maali told reporters.
Maali's friends and their grandads had other ideas. They picked Maali up and forced him face first into the horses stomach. In a moment of panic, Maali reached out and grabbed onto Shockwav3's arm. He twisted with all his power hoping to break free.
However, it was not Shockwav3's arm he had grabbed. He had grabbed and twisted the horse's penis. The horse kicked out, breaking Havoc's ribs and solar plexus.
Havoc, Maali and Shockwav3 are said to be shaken and disturbed by the event.
Ghandy medically cleared for BP07?
Scene veteran Ghandy is said to be ready for Breakpoint 07, despite doctor's orders that he must remain in bed for the next 4 months.
In December 06, Ghandy suffered a serious hamstring injury during a sumo tournament when he tried to bodyslam his 550lbs opponent.
"I have seen Ghandy pull off some crazy shit in the sumo ring," says Reverend Munsler. "I think he overestimated himself this time and it may have cost him his career."
While Ghandy's family were more concerned about his career and his ability to walk, Ghandy was gutted when surgeons told him he would be unable to attend Breakpoint this year.
However, thanks to some creative thinking by groups such as Farbrausch, Jumalauta, MFX and Ellessdee, Ghandy will be able to attend Breakpoint afterall.
"Doctors say Ghandy can't leave his bed, but that doesn't have to stop him attending Breakpoint," says fellow Scarab member, Stingray. "We will tow Ghandy and his bed behind my car, then when we reach the party hall, we will wheel his bed onto the stage where he will be in the middle of all the action!"
Ghandy is said to be delighted with the idea!
Okkie meets the Hof
Two days ago, Okkie lived out a lifetime dream, meeting his idol David Hasslehoff. The encounter got off to a bad start, however, when Okkie spilt icecream over David's pants.
David endured jeers from surrounding critics and immature jokes about semen stains. Okkie leapt to his defence and he and his hero took on the surrounding mob using their martial arts skills.
The "mob", however, consisted mostly of children and elderly folk and the two heros were soon arrested and spent a few hours in a prison cell until being bailed out by Kit - who was not happy!
Maali touches a horse
Maali's new year's resolution was to overcome his fear of horses. They had been terrorising his dreams for many years and every time he heard hooves approaching he would curl into a ball and shake silently.
Havoc, Shockwav3 and their grandads decided to accompany Maali to the farm for support.
"I told them I would look at the horse, I would speak to the horse and I would wave at the horse, but I didn't want to touch it," Maali told reporters.
Maali's friends and their grandads had other ideas. They picked Maali up and forced him face first into the horses stomach. In a moment of panic, Maali reached out and grabbed onto Shockwav3's arm. He twisted with all his power hoping to break free.
However, it was not Shockwav3's arm he had grabbed. He had grabbed and twisted the horse's penis. The horse kicked out, breaking Havoc's ribs and solar plexus.
Havoc, Maali and Shockwav3 are said to be shaken and disturbed by the event.
Ghandy medically cleared for BP07?
Scene veteran Ghandy is said to be ready for Breakpoint 07, despite doctor's orders that he must remain in bed for the next 4 months.
In December 06, Ghandy suffered a serious hamstring injury during a sumo tournament when he tried to bodyslam his 550lbs opponent.
"I have seen Ghandy pull off some crazy shit in the sumo ring," says Reverend Munsler. "I think he overestimated himself this time and it may have cost him his career."
While Ghandy's family were more concerned about his career and his ability to walk, Ghandy was gutted when surgeons told him he would be unable to attend Breakpoint this year.
However, thanks to some creative thinking by groups such as Farbrausch, Jumalauta, MFX and Ellessdee, Ghandy will be able to attend Breakpoint afterall.
"Doctors say Ghandy can't leave his bed, but that doesn't have to stop him attending Breakpoint," says fellow Scarab member, Stingray. "We will tow Ghandy and his bed behind my car, then when we reach the party hall, we will wheel his bed onto the stage where he will be in the middle of all the action!"
Ghandy is said to be delighted with the idea!
Darkus rescues a Leopard
Uk scener Darkus was passing by a frozen lake when he heard a huge splash. With no thought for his own safety or the hot dog he was about to eat, he rushed down a steep bank to find a hole in the frozen lake.
He rushed towards the hole and peered into the water.
"I was expecting a young child or a drunk old man at most," Darkus told reporters. "But to my surprise, there was a leopard trapped under the ice."
Darkus removed his clothes and dived into the icy water. 3 minutes later, he emerged, holding an unconscious leopard on his shoulders.
"It was amazing. He just lifted the leopard out of the water and started getting dressed like it was nothing," explains Dr David Mash, who had watched the whole thing from a nearby treehouse.
Dr David Mash ran to the aid of the leopard and helped Darkus rescuscitate it with the kiss of life. The leopard thanked them for saving his life and ran to the nearest veterinary clinic for a check up.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! the last one is the best.
Shanethewolf and Dipswitch Caught in Revealing Photos
HEMEL HEMPSTEAD - Despite Dipswitch and Shanethewolf's constant denials about a burgeoning romance between them, new photographs have sprung up that show the couple on a beach in Nova Zembla, The Associated Press reports.
Several reports said the photos show Dipswitch, Shanethewolf and their 43-year-old lovechild Okkie playing in the sand and strolling on the beach. Shanethewolf and Dipswitch, however, aren't shown being affectionate with each other. Darkus, Shanethewolf's publicist, would not comment Tuesday, AP reports.
In its April 18 issue, Pain Yearly proclaimed on its cover, "It's True!" over separate photos of Dipswitch and Shanethewolf. In an article inside, Pain quoted employees of a Bingen hotel who claimed they saw the two sceners being affectionate. Darkus has denied the report, saying "this particular story is completely untrue.".
HEMEL HEMPSTEAD - Despite Dipswitch and Shanethewolf's constant denials about a burgeoning romance between them, new photographs have sprung up that show the couple on a beach in Nova Zembla, The Associated Press reports.
Several reports said the photos show Dipswitch, Shanethewolf and their 43-year-old lovechild Okkie playing in the sand and strolling on the beach. Shanethewolf and Dipswitch, however, aren't shown being affectionate with each other. Darkus, Shanethewolf's publicist, would not comment Tuesday, AP reports.
In its April 18 issue, Pain Yearly proclaimed on its cover, "It's True!" over separate photos of Dipswitch and Shanethewolf. In an article inside, Pain quoted employees of a Bingen hotel who claimed they saw the two sceners being affectionate. Darkus has denied the report, saying "this particular story is completely untrue.".
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big upz to Shane
I'm still laughing haha
I'm still laughing haha
now im truly scared of horses :(
What about the wallabies attack to the scene.org servers?
poor horse... A quick encounter with Maali and his penis is all sore.. :(
Havoc: That is slander I tell you! You will be hearing from my lawyers! :)
Texel: The wallabies' official stance is that it never happened. Anyone who has investigated further into the matter has disappeared!
Anyway, more scene news to follow in the coming weeks!
Texel: The wallabies' official stance is that it never happened. Anyone who has investigated further into the matter has disappeared!
Anyway, more scene news to follow in the coming weeks!
:D
Where's scene sports and weather?
You mean the hard drive throwing compo?
Scene Sports
PS emerged victorious at Bingo on Thursday night winning a bottle of wine and a leftover 2006 Christmas hamper.
Keops will not be competing in this year's Speedball tournament due to allegations of steroid use and genetic implants.
For the 5th year running, Stefan won the egg and spoon race. The audience disputed the decision after seeing Stefan using his thumb to secure the egg on the spoon, but the judge's decision was final.
Krabob was removed from the January pissing contest due to foul play. The French coder claims he did not mean to piss over his opponents and blames the galeforce winds.
Adok and TMB moved on to the finals of the pig slapping contest, which will take place at Breakpoint 07! Rumour has it that Leia will be posing as the guest pig.
Unse3n won the knobbly knees contest, the fancy dress contest and the stiltwalking contest by default, due to being the only participant.
[Evil] was disqualified in shame from the special olympics for pounding on fellow competitors with a baseball bat.
Ekoli and Spenot have agreed to take part in this year's mugging challenge. The participants are given 3 hours to go into the streets and mug as many people as they can manage without being arrested. The person with the highest amount of loot wins!
Despite a recurring tailbone injury, Break has been cleared for the giraffe climbing competition next week.
PS emerged victorious at Bingo on Thursday night winning a bottle of wine and a leftover 2006 Christmas hamper.
Keops will not be competing in this year's Speedball tournament due to allegations of steroid use and genetic implants.
For the 5th year running, Stefan won the egg and spoon race. The audience disputed the decision after seeing Stefan using his thumb to secure the egg on the spoon, but the judge's decision was final.
Krabob was removed from the January pissing contest due to foul play. The French coder claims he did not mean to piss over his opponents and blames the galeforce winds.
Adok and TMB moved on to the finals of the pig slapping contest, which will take place at Breakpoint 07! Rumour has it that Leia will be posing as the guest pig.
Unse3n won the knobbly knees contest, the fancy dress contest and the stiltwalking contest by default, due to being the only participant.
[Evil] was disqualified in shame from the special olympics for pounding on fellow competitors with a baseball bat.
Ekoli and Spenot have agreed to take part in this year's mugging challenge. The participants are given 3 hours to go into the streets and mug as many people as they can manage without being arrested. The person with the highest amount of loot wins!
Despite a recurring tailbone injury, Break has been cleared for the giraffe climbing competition next week.
The Leopard later became my pet and good friend!
Hilarious as always. Shane I love you!!!
Magic/Nah Kolor - Homosexual or Hero?
Nah Kolor organiser and scene editor, Magic, was recently arrested at an Italian restaurant on allegations of indecent exposure.
"I had eaten too much food and I needed to loosen my belt," he told reporters.
Just as he was about to tuck into his desert, he noticed a man choking on his dinner. He rushed to his aid and began performing the heimlich manoever. Unfortunately, Magic's trousers fell down in the process.
"It was crazy!" claims Deano Delicious, owner of the restaurant. "I just saw Magic run over to the man, drop his trousers and start humping him in front of all the patrons! I didn't know the man was choking!"
After peace was restored, everything became clear and Magic was awarded for his bravery in a public ceremony.
"I did what needed to be done and I hope he would do the same for me," said Magic as he received the award. But when reporters asked how it felt to save a man from choking, a confused Magic responded:
"He was choking?"
Nah Kolor organiser and scene editor, Magic, was recently arrested at an Italian restaurant on allegations of indecent exposure.
"I had eaten too much food and I needed to loosen my belt," he told reporters.
Just as he was about to tuck into his desert, he noticed a man choking on his dinner. He rushed to his aid and began performing the heimlich manoever. Unfortunately, Magic's trousers fell down in the process.
"It was crazy!" claims Deano Delicious, owner of the restaurant. "I just saw Magic run over to the man, drop his trousers and start humping him in front of all the patrons! I didn't know the man was choking!"
After peace was restored, everything became clear and Magic was awarded for his bravery in a public ceremony.
"I did what needed to be done and I hope he would do the same for me," said Magic as he received the award. But when reporters asked how it felt to save a man from choking, a confused Magic responded:
"He was choking?"
rofl
